This is a rant that I posted recently on LinkedIn. Nothing great about it; I’ve ranted often but what I like about this one is that I typed this entirely with my right thumb in stalled traffic at Chheda Nagar Junction while staring at these ‘chamcha’ banners, of mostly unknown faces wishing random politicians on their birthdays. Also, this required only one edit after publishing *pats self*.
Instead of moaning about Mumbai traffic, flooding, infrastructure etc we citizens should stop worrying about the city, join any of the political factions of any party and start making serious money.
You don’t have to get elected at get go; you have to invest a bit – a few banners with your name and photo (prominently) wishing the local corporator, MLA, MP, Dy CM1, Dy CM2, Speaker, CM, CM’s son (if you are in Thane) HM, PM on their birthdays at prime locations around your area will cost up to a lakh or so inclusive of labour and bribes.
This will generate interest from the local goon network, policemen and civil works contractors, most of them who will be suspicious to begin with but with careful distribution of funds, will buy in to your power. Make some offers they can’t refuse; for example they’re always on the lookout for a benami – a seemingly decent bloke who can hold, move or launder cash without arousing suspicion. Volunteer to be one. Slowly your grip on the seedier side of them grows; if you are clever enough, flip it in your favour – be innovative about schemes like donation of relief or drain cleaning or road relaying where you can be the guy who is clever about skimming money. Now, your crowd is indebted to you, you’re making them money.
You’ve cracked the formula by now; you just have to scale up and raise stakes accordingly. First the MLA, then the MP (of course you need to be ideologically agnostic; who knows these guys go to bed with one party, wake up with another), then the big builders and land mafia. By now you should be in a position to influence policy and schemes in your favour, you’ve already made money for two generations off gated projects on cleared slum land.
Your projects will now be the scale of undersea tunnels, huge statues on islands, coastal freeways, maybe even airports and metros.
Work your way up. You might even get a ticket for a general election. Heck, Modiji might even campaign for you.
Only an idiot would think Mumbai’s problems are happening because someone is NOT doing their job. It’s the opposite. Just check the net worth of the average Mumbai politician.
Next time you’re stuck in traffic, staring at a gaudy poster of someone wishing happy birthday to the local corporator’s deputy personal assistant, note the name. He might not be on LinkedIn, but he sure is getting somewhere.
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